Saturday, June 19, 2010

Confessions of a Jorts Girl

I have a pretty serious obsession with my favorite item of clothing ever. I constantly find myself torn between the comfort and reliability of my go to summer shorts and the potential fashion faux pas I am committing.

The piece of clothing in the spotlight here is my trusty pair of jean cutoffs.

Yes, I am a jorts girl. Through and through. The first day of the year hinting at 80 degree weather you can bet that wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, I am wearing my jorts.

I also need to point out the authenticity of these cutoffs. About 10 years ago they had a rebirth after I went through a growth spurt and my LEI jeans became clam diggers. Now this was circa 1999 and that 1950's pedal pushers revival was almost out of style. (I tend to lag behind a few years). I knew I couldn't pull it off so I craftily snipped away the bottoms and made my very own pair of jort cutoffs.

I don't know if any of you have watched Arrested Development- but the best way to describe the frequency at which I wore these shorts would be to compare it to the character Tobias. Tobias had a "psychological affliction" causing him to be unable to be in the nude at any time- he was a Never Nude. In the shower, the doctor's office and even in bed, he always donned an article of clothing.This article: Jorts.

Okay, I am exaggerating a little. But I really do love my jean shorts. For years they have been my summer uniform.

As I begin to take a deeper look at fashion I am noticing that there is distinct "how to" regarding jort usage.

I am going to a pool party today where no one will be swimming (why does that always happen?). And thus, to uphold the promise I made myself to be more fashion forward, I will find an appropriate and stylish way in which to wear jean cutoff shorts.

Step 1: Try on every top in my closet with the jorts.

What I found: I may have forgotten to mention that these puppies are SHORT. They definitely put the "short" in shorts. Therefore, despite the 90 degree weather I need to pair them with something flowy and long. I can discard my spaghetti strapped shirts, tight midriff bearing shirts and wow I am so clearly stuck in the 90s.

Step 2: Find a shirt that is modest and comes all the way down to mid-butt.

What I found: I have a white empire waisted tube top from Wet Seal back in the day. It's flowy, modest and long- yet very summery.

HOWEVER I have learned one this from wearing this shirt in the past....

Step 3: Always waist belt an empire waist shirt so people don't congratulate you on the baby.

What I found: Last year I was grocery shopping with a male friend of mine. It was probably this same weekend and I was probably wearing my jorts. A man approached us an shook my friend's hand telling him he should be proud to be a father this time next year. "Happy Father's Day" he said, "and good luck to you, Momma" he told me.

We stood there in shock for literally a whole minute before I managed to spit out "wait, did he just..."

"Yeah, he did."

"Do I look..."

"No, you don't."

"Then why did he..."

"Let's just leave."

The incident was never really brought up again but I still carry emotional baggage from that day. I didn't wear this shirt for like months afterwards. I finally realized that this man was either messing with us or blind because I really don't look pregnant.

I think.

I hope.

Regardless, starting that day my affinity for belts began.

Step 4: Spice up the color scheme with some saucy shoes.

What I found: I am a colorful girl. I tend to get drowned out in whites, blacks, browns and grays so I like to add a little flavor to my outfits.

I chose these red shoes from Target to complete the look leaving me with this final product:

I think it's missing something. Suggestions?

Have a great weekend all!


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