Friday, May 28, 2010

Victoria's Sneaky Secret


I get the Victoria's Secret magazine in the mail about twice a month. If it's a good day, I'll skim through it and tell myself "I can pull off these outfits too!" If it's a normal day I'll laugh in its face and wonder in what fantasy world do people really look like this.




A few weeks ago, it was a good day. I courageously flipped through the catalogue and became inspired by the beautiful, classy clothing these women adorned...or so I thought.

NOTE TO ALL WOMEN: Victoria's Secret is extremely deceptive! What looks swanky and chic or sexy and flirty has NOTHING TO DO WITH THE CLOTHING. It is the models that completely throw things off balance. VS could literally come out with a line of wearable trash bags and it would look fabulous.


How do I know this, you ask? Well friends, here's how- On this particularly "good day" as I was innocently looking through the swimsuit section (yes, pure naivete), I decided to finally use a gift card I had received years back. I ended up getting this, this and this. After trying them on, I felt like this.


This was my thought process:


Whoa, this doesn't fit right. It must be European style and only cover half my ass. Why is it baggy up here but tight around here? Did they send me a manufacturing defect?! AM I A MANUFACTURING DEFECT?? WHAT'S GOING ON, WHY DOESN'T IT LOOK LIKE THE PICTURE?!!?


Once I settled down I remembered I was essentially looking at a book of optical illusions.


Everyone knows the clothes never look as good on them as they do on the models. These are the most perfectly sculpted women in the world, it is their JOB to look fantastic and sell the heck out of these bathing suits to people like me.


So to you, Victoria's Secret, I say this: "Fool me once, shame on you- fool me twice..I'd like to return this S and exchange it for a M", k thanks.



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